The night after I made the first post I had decided that I was going to have a heart to heart with my finacee about her family. However, she came back from work the next day early and I already was off that day so i initiated the talk a little sooner than I planned
Essentially, I told her how this arrangement was not sustainable, I did not feel comfortable marrying her due to how much involvement in her life her fanily has, and I certainly did not feel comfortable bringing a child into this world with them. I didn't want to tell her cold turkey no contact with them, but strict limitations to start with on then coming over, and what they can do around the house. I also requested couples therapy before marriage. She wasn't happy. She was just staring angrily at me while I spoke then started yelling at me when I finished
She told me I don't understand their dynamic ad it worked for her. I told her that they're abusive users who will bleed her dry and I have never seen them showany decency to her. She told me she just had to work harder for them to appreciate her. I basically yelled at her that a parents child shouldn't have to beg and plead and "work" for them to be loved. I finally told her that she sets limits with them or I walk
She was livid and since I was living in her house I was kicked out. So the past few days I have been staying in a hotel and have had my stuff taken out and put into storage. And frankly, it's been great. I am going to stay with family for a few weeks around mid July and after that I am going to go house searching for myself. I have spent the last couple days relaxing, catching up on movies and video games I haven't had time for, and could go back from work to a quiet room without her family tearing the place apart.
Yesterday however things came to a head. We have basically been no contact since she booted me out, but I know every Saturday her family loves to spend the afternoon over and she uses me as a shield from their abuse. However in a very petty move I simply kept my phone muted all day and played Disco Elysiun. I knew she would call back for help with her family and at this point pure resentment was kicking in for her and I wanted nothing yo due with her issues
By the end of the night she had sent me over a dozen texts and finally 2 frantic voicemails begging me to come home. I decided to come over to check up on her. Long story short she was sobbing in the living room and when I came to talk to her she was practically crushing my back hugging me and sobbing. I gave her time to cool off and asked what happened.
Long story short, her parents and brother came by to gift money from her and say horrible shit to her. She wanted to have me come over to help but I was ignoring her, and when she tried to have one of her friends help out and everyone basically said "fuck that", it all started clicking in for her. She kicked her family out but not before they said some utterly vile shit to her I won't repeat. She kept apologizing to me and told me over and over to come home.
I told her plainly that I had started to build up heavy resentment towards her for some time and while I loved her and understand it was trauma and not her being outright abusive, there was major issues that would need to he addressed if we were to move forward.
1) She sells the house and moves. We make roughly the same amount of money and we will buy a house together. I am a grown ass man and I will not live in a house I have no equal agency over
2) Her family will never step a foot in it. They will never come over. They will be treated by me in a very threatening manner if they try and come in
3) She gets a new therapist and we start pre marital counseling
4) She never makes me interact with her family
5) We will go LC with her family right now but make no mistake we are working towards full NC on her end.
I told her I love her, we have been together for a while now and have beautiful memories together and I know she is suffering from abuse, but these are non negotiable and if she has a problem with any of them then we have to go out separate ways.
She told me she's realized for a while now that her family is toxic and unhealthy she wants to make changes. She has accepted but some of these will take a while to see through
For now I am going to stay in the hotel until I head back to stay with my family. She is welcome to come over but I have made it clear her house is not somewhere I want to go. Her and I are both off tomorrow so we will spend the day here and maybe go out. This is obviously not over yet but I might not post anything else until Mid August or so
